I am a fan of calling a spade a spade.
The world of the newborn baby is full of these pointless alternative words and phrases, and I have listed a few of my 'favourites' observed during recent home visits from the midwife and health visitor.
'And how is everything' *lowers voice* 'down below?' they ask.
Below where? Oh. You mean down there (equally annoying).
What is wrong with vagina. Is that so offensive?
Vagina vagina vagina.
I would find it quite refreshing to simply be asked 'how's your vagina doing?' It's clearly not a time for shyness, given that a baby just emerged from down there (*sneers*).
Ones and Twos
Actually this goes for all toilet related euphemisms. 'Are you managing to go to the toilet?' *completes checklist in maternity notes* 'Ones and twos?'
Ones and twos?! FFS. What happened to wees and poos? Yes I'm managing to wee and poo, thanks for asking.
Granted, it might be slightly unnerving if the midwife pottered in and asked 'have you done a shit and how's the vagina?' but at least we'd all know where we stand. Of course I wouldn't really expect her to say shit, but we could at least find a middle ground. We talk openly about poo with our potty-training youngsters for god's sake, and I am not a child.
This one isn't a euphemism, but rather the annoying habit that health professionals have of abbreviating the growing foetus and/or new child simply to 'baby.' I recognise that this is in no way offensive, but god how it annoys me.
'Shall we check baby's heartbeat?'
'How is baby feeding?'
'Make sure baby gets a full mouthful of breast.'
It's THE baby. Please bring back use of the definite article. Or better, once said 'baby' arrives he or she usually has an actual name. Baby indeed.
Over to you...
Are there any other commonly used euphemisms you can think of to add to this list of annoyances?
The Unmumsy Mum