Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Now you are not my baby: a letter to my firstborn

My crazy and wonderful baby boy,

Your life changed forever in the early hours of last Friday. You jumped from being my baby to being such a big boy. You became a big brother. 

'How lovely for Henry to have a brother' they all say. And it will be lovely my darling - trust me when I tell you your future happiness was a key factor in our decision to add to the family. 

But right now, at this very moment, I see your sadness. I see your confusion when you watch Mummy cuddle somebody else all day. I see your absolute rage at the situation, and your anxiety. When I asked you if you would come and give me a cuddle on the sofa, and you replied 'no, you cuddle the baby' my heart broke. I want to cuddle you both.

For all of your 31 months on this planet you have been the centre of our world. You have had our love and attention on tap, and you have been happy. We have all been happy. We were a happy family of three. The Three Musketeers. 

I'm sorry it has all changed. I feel guilty right now, because for the first time in two and half years I love something else as much as I love you.

Your brother is very special too. And he needs me now. He needs me a lot. But don't think for one second he is taking your place. When he is permanently attached to my breast and you go out to the park with your Dad I really miss you. I hope you know that.

You are showing signs of coming round to the new situation. In years to come we will all laugh together about the day you suggested we leave your brother at the supermarket, and your declaration of 'I hate him'. By then, I have no doubt you will have a special bond with your little brother and will likely never remember the years we spent as a family of three.

For now, I just want you to know that I love you my sweetheart. You may be an independent whirlwind of toddler energy but you are my special firstborn and will always be my baby. 

The Unmumsy Mum