A fellow parent makes a comment about your child. Such as 'gosh isn't he small for his age?!' or 'wow she's a handful! Have you tried the naughty step when she does that?'
You say: 'Yes' (with a weak smile and nod) or 'thanks, we'll give that a go.'
You think: Who died and made you fucking Supernanny? (Though if we are offering unsolicited advice, you might want to teach your child to share. And wipe his nose).
A childless colleague yawns, then tells you they are 'shattered' after a late night.
You say 'Oh dear. You need an early night tonight then! Do you want a coffee?'
You think: I haven't slept for more than three hours at a time for MONTHS. I'm so tired I fall asleep standing up. You chose to go out for drinks or stay up late watching Breaking Bad last night because you still have free will. You lucky child-free bastard.
Another child pushes your child or steals their toy at playgroup. The parent apologises.
You say: 'It's fine, don't worry!'
You think: Get that toddler terrorist away from my baby.
People keep asking you about your 'days off.' As in, 'what are you going to do with your days off this week?'
You say: 'Not sure yet. This and that!'
You think: That's right; my days OFF. I think I might go shopping, paint my nails, drink wine with friends, go to a fucking spa. I HAVE TWO CHILDREN UNDER THREE. What do you think I will be doing? My three days at work are more relaxing.
The baby starts to kick off at the supermarket checkout. A 'helpful' stranger advises: 'it sounds to me like he's hungry dear!'
You say: 'Yes he's due a feed. Impeccable timing as ever!'
You think: No shit Sherlock. Shall I whip my boob out before or after I load these tinned tomatoes onto the checkout?
Somebody asks you how you are finding life with a baby.
You say: 'Pretty manic! But I wouldn't change it for the world!'
You think: I no longer sleep, or wash, or eat anything other than fish fingers. I can't remember the last time I went out, and these days an unaccompanied trip to the dentist is something I look forward to. So yeah, sometimes I actually would change it for the world.
In hindsight, I should have got a dog.
The Unmumsy Mum