Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Lesson 40: Ten Reasons Why Toddlers Are Tossers

1) They call your bluff. At the park, when you threaten to leave (Come ON, it's time to go, I will go without you. BYE THEN), they shoot you a look which says 'you do that' as they potter off back towards the slide. The little bastards. You then have to face the indignity of re-tracing your steps back through the gate and resorting to the Lift And Drag technique. As parents of well-behaved children pretend not to look.

2) They overhear and repeat only the bad stuff. Ask them to copy your recital of the alphabet, or numbers 1-10, they become selectively deaf. Accidentally let the swear guard down due to some cockwomble's bad driving and be faced with 'FUCK'S SAKE, man' clear as day for all to hear. Come in, Social Services. 

3) They lie down on the floor. In public. Usually prompted by the earlier disagreement in the park, this little trick means they always have one up on you because they don't care what people think. They will go completely stiff and refuse to stand so you have to pick them up and carry them out of the Post Office by their coat hood. Later you will realise you forgot to post the letter. 

4) They refuse to eat the food you give them. You offer one last chance to start eating it properly before it goes in the bin. 

They don't want it. 
It goes in the bin.
They do want it.
*Scratches own eyes out*

5) They give away your lazy parenting secrets. When asked 'What did you do today?' they will ignore any of the activities where you actually tried to be a good parent (have a break from CBeebies), and instead reply 'Watched Frozen,' 'Ate chips!' or 'Watched Frozen eating chips!

Eating his tea (balanced on his fire station) in front of Home & Away. Mother of the year?
6) They poo at inconvenient times. Regardless of whether they are still in nappies (gross) or need your help to use the toilet (also gross), they save any poo action for other people's houses. Or The Range. 

7) They manipulate bribes like a hostage-taker. Many deals are agreed with my toddler on the sole basis that he will get a biscuit. 'Never reward a tantrum' they say. Of course we all agree in principle. But after zero sleep, a stressful trip to the shops and a potentially explosive toddler tantrum bomb about to detonate on the bus, I have been known to whisper 'stop whinging and you can have a biscuit.' 

This can easily be fixed with a biscuit
8) They cry because they are tired. But won't nap. Enough said. 

9) They reserve all bad behaviour for you, and are positively angelic for everybody else. This means that to the outside world, it seems you are fabricating the horrific account of your trip to town. 'But he's always so well behaved for us!' Shut up.

10) After all of this, they look so cute when they are sleeping, or when they give you a cuddle, you forgive the bad bits and accept they will be the cause of headaches for the next twenty years. Tossers they may be, but they are your tossers.

The Unmumsy Mum

59 comments:

  1. Hahahah I LOVE THIS! Mine isn't quite at the stage for all the points yet but he's not far off *sigh* xx

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    1. Wow, you have a LOT of fun ahead then ;-) Thanks so much for reading x

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    2. OMG so so so true! Also, number 11,,, However many beautiful age appropriate toys one buys,,, my ginger whinger still persists in bloody playing, "messing" with everything he shouldn't! Wires, climbing the sofa, trying to squeeze into gaps at the side of the sofa! And when you say,,,,, (shout) NO,,,,,,, he throws me the dead stare and continues doing it! Again and again untill I snap! PLAY WITH TOYS

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    3. Just found you whilst faffing about on the laptop whilst trying to ignore my toddler...first time I've properly laughed in ages, thank you!!

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  2. Yes, yes and YES! They are gobshites at times, aren't they? Revenge is sweet for later on in life;)

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  3. Brilliant post, had me laughing out loud. The bit about carrying your child out of the post office is soooo true! People with "well behaved" children just don't understand lol.

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    1. Noone has 'well behaved' children, it's a myth, anyone that says they do are in la la land! ;-)

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  4. Laughed out loud all the way through this! The "For fuck sake" disaster happened for us very early on and he used it ALL the time and always in context! Mortifying!

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  5. Bloody brilliant. Loved this. Hilarious. Thank you for writing this. Xx

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  6. Bribing with biscuits was easy. I'm potty training atm and now he wants a new toy for every poo he does on the toilet instead of in the potty (potty poo's are gross to clean out!).. *sighs*. . And yes 'fuck sake' slipped out while his grandparents were watching him apparently. I said I had noooo idea where he had heard that! ;)

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    1. Oh god potty training. So gross!! Thanks for reading :-) x ps shouldn't laugh but the fuck's sake thing did make me chuckle!

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  7. Can I just say that I love you??!!?? My daughter is nearly 4 and has just taken 2 hours to get to sleep. I'm getting breast the point of "let her do what she wants and start up watching tv"!

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  8. Bloody genius. Great idea for a post. I'm a great believer in surrounding myself by mothers who are honest about the hardships and chaos of life with a child. I can't stand those who promote their angelic, sleeping through, weaned and highly angelic kids. Be honest and open this is more supportive and true to the real picture. Our kids are amazing but also a pain in the arse at times!

    Baby boy no 2 due in 10 days. Wish me luck :)

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  9. I can totally relate to all of this. Toddlers are hard work. Today we had a tantrum because I put his shoes on after being asked to put his shoes on?!?! Love your work :)

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  11. Love, love, love this. All so true! And erm... I'm not meant to reward tantrums with biscuits? Oops. It's my only weapon though!

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    1. Switch to chocolate. And always reward, never bribe, for once toddler has eaten said bribe, he no longer has any positive.motivation for good behaviour. Tears. A true motivator.

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  12. What awesome reading material and a fantastic heads up even from a dads point of view,im looking forward to all these stages bring on the tantrums I will record every single one and blackmail her when shes a teenager,she's only 13 months and has just started exhibiting some of these traits

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  13. So accurate. This is my life right now.

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  14. Love your blogs. So nice to read the truth and that someone understands what wee shites kids can be. Your blogs help me when I'm almost or am at breaking point with my girls but have no one to talk to as most mums fabricate that their children are perfect and I should just 'chill' grrr hate that. Thanks for keeping me sane :) maybe just maybe I'm doing a better job than I think!

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  15. I had to post this an anon incase I really do get social services knocking at my door...
    The other day one of my twins was screaming her head off in the car all the way from A to B (and I mean alllll the way!) I said to my toddler who is 2.5 "gosh she is such a little..." Expecting him to say rascall, which is 'our saying' but instead he pipes up loud & clear "cunt". I was, in equal measures horrified, appalled and highly amused! I literally don't think I've laughed so much in all my life!! Bad bad mummy! But honestly I would never have expected him to say that in a million years! It completely caught me off gaurd!
    So we had lengthy discussions about how that word was totally unacceptable blah blah blah and later in the week I said to him the exact same thing, hoping I had drilled in what the appropriate response was to be; "baby is a little..." To which he replied "rascall" YES! Yes yes!! I was saved from the real possibly of social services intervention! Until he then pipes up "who's a little cunt then"?? Fuck noooooooo!!

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    1. Ha ha hha. Classic

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    2. Oh my goodness, thats had me howling!

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    3. Brilliant!!

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    4. Hilarious! LOL

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    5. I'm dying with laughter!!!!!

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    6. This is the funniest thing I've heard in forever. I will be sharing this with my friends he he :-)

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  16. You have described my son down to a T! Haha love this post its all so true x

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  17. I have got to stop reading your blog when I am feeding or the baby is sleeping......if I wake her up one more time with a snort of laughter having walked ten miles to get her to sleep whilst muttering stupid bloody baby I will shoot myself! I adore your blog and have felt so much better since I discovered it 😋

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  18. very recently found your blog and have found it absolutely hilarious purely cause i can sympathise with every single point, having 6 little buggers its nice to know im not the only mummy doing the things i do for a quiet 5 mins :)

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    1. Oh gem, how we suffer hahahaha! I too have five soul sucking dementors that range from one to ten! Silver lining,,,,,so many Wonderful stories for special occasions such as 18th birthdays and weddings 😁😈😂

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  19. This made me smile, my little man is just brilliant at shouting every word I don't want him to, especially boobs whenever he possibly ca

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  20. Number 6 happened to me today. Whilst my 'darling' 3 year old was on a playdate with his friend from nursery for the first time. He left in his friends pants, his went straight into the bin it was that messy! Then he proceeds to throw stones over the fence in the garden straight onto the lovely shiny black BMW parked in the driveway. Aaaaggggghhhhhh! X

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  21. I have just found your blog and omg thank you so much for showing me that I am a normal mum after all! My sister will never understand my days just watching Nick Jr...it's the safest way to occupy my 3 year old outside of nursery :)

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  22. Fuck sake was my sons first swear word, he was so young he couldn't actually pronounce it properly, he was playing with his toys when I heard him tut loudly and "buck dake!" swiftly followed haha I was mortified, I honestly didn't realise how much I said it until that day! So glad we were at home!!

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  23. OMG, so true but at least you can pick them up and walk out the post office with them (and your letter). Wait 'till they're 18, a foot taller than you and still giving you just as hard a time. FML!

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  24. only just discovered this blog, mine are now 7 and 13, I would have felt so much better reading this years ago xx

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  25. Love this post! So many of the points are true for me too. Sausages and chips in front of the TV this evening for my toddler..oops.. :) x

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  26. I regretted calling a driver "stupid cow" once .....mother of 3 yr old at the time.

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  27. It's not bribery if you offer a biscuit after they have done something ie: stop whining and you can have a biscuit is different to if I give you a biscuit will you stop whining! Fact! Was taught that on a 12 week parenting course so has to be true lol

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  28. That made me chuckle and smile. I am so glad not to be suffering alone 😁

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  29. Love it! Sooo true... I have 2 boys, aged 1 & 2... ......

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  30. Absolute genius! You have a new follower! 😃

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  31. So you have failed to help severe national and global overpopulation by already producing at least as many human beings as their number of parents, and then had a moan about it. Way to go.

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    1. Clearly you don't identify with the situation. Are you even a parent?! Lots of people have difficult toddlers, who often grow in to amazing adults, in the mean time it's good for a stressed out mum to be able to vent and be reassured that it gets better!

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    2. Anon, you're an idiot. Go read something else. I take it you can't have kids then? Suppose it's inevitable to have a couple of comments like this. Unmumsymum, keep regaling us, feels so great to know we're probably the normal ones!

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  32. This has basically just described a day in the life with my 3 year old! A little while ago I was reversing into a parking space at the supermarket when some complete idiot decided to drive into same space! Furious, I said a few choice words, forgetting I had small person with me! I then spent the trip round the supermarket being asked "mummy, why is that man a prick?" 😕

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  33. Brilliant! You've just described my life in 10 paragraphs 😂 at least I'm not alone!

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  34. Totally agree with all points this is my life! At times you feel so alone as a parent of a tantruming toddler.

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  35. Yes my Daughter has displayed most of these......and that's just today!! She also recently screamed 'For fucks sake' at a charity collector ' cos he asked for his collection bucket back :-0

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  36. Just had hyena laughs reading this while my toddler looked at me as though I'm demented. Excellent read!

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  37. Oh jeez, we are 21 months in and I can already attest to some of these...lots to look forward to!! x

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  38. As you are so honest (which I love!), I would like to see a blog about whether having kids is really worth all the frustrations & loss of freedom/money. I once met a lady while travelling in Bali, and she told me, in a very honest fashion (as you do)... that it was not! I was so surprised, & insisted it must be worth it, surely, as there were so many rewards? She thought about it for a while... and quietly replied "tres peu" (very few). She eventually said that if someone really wants a kid then maybe having one, with a loving partner, might be ok. But any more than that and you are literally condemning yourself to a lifetime of slavery, with very few rewards. I would love to hear your thoughts on this? I'm sure you could think of a comical slant! Personally I'm not interested in the 'he/she comes up to me and says I love you Mummy' bollocks, as kids just repeat what their parents say/do. It's mostly just gratitude for the latest toy / treat / meal anyway, or they wouldn't play up the day after. And I'm so over that 'look at the squiggle little johnny drew me' as if it's not something every kid does at some point or other. So go on, please be honest... what are the real rewards to a lifetime of slavery... is it really worth it?

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  39. If you don't 'get it' the first time, you have a second chance when they are teenagers!

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  40. Every word is so true and honest! I admire it and the way you just put it out there. To the anonymous poster it is cheesy but the rewards of when they are nice to you out of the blue without being prompted and without expecting anything back giving you a huge cuddle and love you makes it all worthwhile. And knowing you have people that depend on you and worship you and love you no matter what...at least till teenagers ha ha

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  41. Thank you so much for this blog- just because it's sometimes shit and miserable and rage-inducing being a mum doesn't mean you don't love your child with all your heart!

    Question: is it ok to sometimes sing "Rock-a-bye-baby on the tree top....when the bough breaks the baby will fall..." with a sense of smug satisfaction?!?! I often wonder who wrote this song and if it was another fellow unmumsy mum!

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  42. i had two boys thankful for them i was a stay at home mum we didnt have house refurbishments all the time or continental holidays but lovely holidays closer to home a lot of our friends were the same the children had a stable upbringing not imposing on their grandparents all the time not rushing them all the time so enjoyed the school run and making friends with other parents never thought i was missing out by being a stay at home mum its not forever ask you children what they want bet they just want their parents to look after not childminders and quality visits to grandparents not left in their house a lot of days without their own toys etc i urge you to look after your own kids

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  43. Is it the toddlers who are the tossers or the parents??

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