Sunday 8 March 2015

Lesson 52: You Don't Have To Explain Yourself To Anyone

Mums are defensive creatures. We feel the need to explain why we do things. Why we feel things. Why we behave in certain ways. To explain that this isn't usually what we'd do but we were short of time/it's a treat/we are having a difficult day....

This is unnecessary.

I know why we do it. Because we are always questioning ourselves. Doubting our decisions. Our best is never quite enough and we have Mum Guilt. But this habit of defensive over-justification really doesn't do us any favours.

I hear mums (myself included) adding rationale to their every parenting move. As if we are anticipating the 'but why?' question so we throw the answer in beforehand.

'I only got him a dummy because he is whingy, I don't really agree with them...' Relax. A dummy is clearly working for you. High five.

'She wouldn't usually have a chocolate biscuit as her mid-morning snack, it's just I haven't got to Tesco to stock up on fruit this week....' Chill the fuck out. She's having a biscuit. I can see she's happy, healthy and I'm sure as you say she does like her veggies. She also likes chocolate biscuits and you promised her one if she used the toilet at playgroup. Crack on. I'm not judging.

If I ask you in general conversation 'Are you breastfeeding?' and you are not breastfeeding, you don't then have to elaborate on all the problems your baby had latching on, or her low birth weight, or the mastitis that stopped you in your tracks. You do not have to explain yourself. Of course if you want to chat about these things I'm all ears. But you actually need say no more. It was just a question.


'Yes he's two. No we're not potty training him yet. Next question.'
To a large extent, I think we over-justify our parenting choices and behaviours because we hate feeling judged. If I just explain why I've done it this way she won't think badly of me...

Well, actually she still might.

I'm sorry to say I have met a small handful of mums who definitely are judging you. And me. And everybody else. These are the mums who think they are doing everything right. In fact they know they are. They've bought all the parenting manuals. They've read every Which? report dating back to the first travel system ever invented. It's their way or the highway. 'You really shouldn't....' 'I'd be careful doing that with him because I've read....' 
Well thank you Mrs Judgy Knickers, but if I need your advice I'll ask for it. Until such a time you can fuck off. 

Don't live in fear of those mums. Because you will end up paranoid that everybody is silently forming an opinion about you and your parenting. Let's face it we are all a bit judgy. It's natural. Sometimes I take one look at a mum and immediately think I know what type of parent she is (I'm not proud of this, and I have been wrong many times). But sometimes, that judginess you anticipate just might be mistaken. 

I, for instance, once felt massively judged when declaring 'I can't hack being at home all week so I'm heading back to work soon, hooray!' The mum I'd met at playgroup just that morning then quietly explained she had decided not to go back to work at all. Because she liked being at home so much she would do all she could to avoid returning to work. And there I was, sat cross-legged in the baby sensory area, outlining my Being-At-Home escape strategy. How shit a parent did that make me sound? 
 
I was tempted to backtrack and clarify that of course I loved every minute with the baby, and if we could afford it I would have longer off....but this would have been bullshit. So I made my excuses and left.

As it turned out, I later discovered that the very same happy-at-home mum had thought I was silently judging her. How bad must I sound for not wanting any sort of career, she thought. I bet she thinks I'm lame for wanting to stay at home. We were both slightly in awe of each other. And both feeling guilty. What a pair of twats.

I actually think not justifying your every move comes across quite well. An 'I do this because it suits me and my family' attitude commands respect. It indicates a confidence in one's own ability to decide what is right. Not right in the preachy preachy holier than thou total authority in the history of everything that was ever fucking right right

But right for you. For your kids. For your family. 'No I don't breastfeed,'  'I'm not going back to work at all actually,' 'We use a dummy - it's been great for us!' 

Enough said. 

Lesson 52: You don't have to justify yourself to anyone*. One size parenting does not fit all. We're all different. Heaven knows our kids are all different. Explain yourself only if you want to. Mrs Judgy Knickers and her possy of parenting expert SuperMum friends feed on your defensive outpourings. Resist the urge, hold your head high and let them 
starve. 
 
The Unmumsy Mum

[*Unless you are one of those parents from Junk Food Kids who gives your two year old coke in a sippy cup. That can never be right and you should be sterilised. You absolute moron.]

 

39 comments:

  1. Love this - high five!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have tried so hard to do the "never complain, never explain" thing. It's bloody difficult! Every part of me wants to explain my decisions in epic detail! I agree wholeheartedly with your post and hope we are all a little more honest with our fellow mums, and have more conviction in our choices. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is bloody difficult you're right, so tempting to over-explain yourself, I do it all the time! Thanks for reading xx

      Delete
  3. This is the first blog post of yours I have read, having just found your blog. After a weekend with family 'justifying' myself every 5 minutes, reading this has given me some confidence to say hang on, why should I! It's also made me slightly weepy as you write so much truth. So thank you, maybe I am doi g a good job after all. From a (newly) mum of 2 xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahh thank you - I bet you're doing a fab job xx

      Delete
  4. My boy has aspergers, adhd and pda and I feel UBER self conscious of his behaviour around other parents and silently want to explain to train-fuls of people that he has these difficulties since they're not overtly obvious...then even after giving imaginary explanations to people I then worry about the pre-conceptions people have about ADHD! ("didn't have that in my day" "it's a label for naughty children" etc) To make matters more complicated, if I'm honest, I often think that pre having my boy, it's highly likely I'd have looked at a Mum like me on the train and felt critical of the child and would probably think I'd never let my child behave like that! Sigh.x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sigh indeed - sometimes you're damned if you do and damned if you don't (explain yourself I mean), though I won't pretend to know what it's like to cope with aspergers, ADHD and pda

      Delete
    2. I bet most people understand it is most definitely not a label for naughty kids too. Hats off to you it must be bloody had work xx

      Delete
    3. Thanks :) Yeah, I think since I"m quite quiet and not assertive by nature I've really struggled having a kid that draws a lot of attention and is capable of having a meltdown in public! Ha ha...I've surprised myself though with what I'm capable of in public - never imagined I'd ever shout at my child in public but now I do it all the time! (I've also learnt to whisper-shout which is when you whisper at your child to scold him when you don't want others to hear but you use the tone you would use if you were shouting!)x

      Delete
    4. I have a son with Aspergers, he is 9 now, but when he was about 7 he was busy having a meltdown because I wouldn't get him something out of the machine after swimming. I walked away from him (the only thing I could do) and he followed me screaming at me the whole time. I kept walking and told him that I would not let him in the car if he continued that I would call his father and he could pick him up. I insisted on this, raising my voice so he could hear me over his screaming. Some woman heard this and shouted at me that what I was doing was child abuse, I told her she had no idea what she was talking about. But after this incident - and of course he got in the car and we went home - all I thought was that woman now thinks there is a child who is suffering abuse - and there really isn't. We drove home in silence, and all was well the second we were home. It's so hard.

      Delete
  5. I agree 100% - snotty know--it-alls are a pain.
    however some parents need to learn to take advice and knowledge being passed onto them in the spirit its usually intended = trying to help.
    This strange belief that being a parent instantly means you know best for 'your' kid, so you can safely ignore everything and bristle if anyone points anything out to you ...
    you are not experts at kids or life - to assume you know it all already and don't need any help at all is rather petty and childish.
    It amazes me just how many parents do the most dangerous things with their kids, simply because no-one 'spelled' it out to them ...
    i have on numerous occasions had to refuse a lift to friends with kids because they have no car seat - and the amount of them that say 'oh its ok, i'll just have them on my my knee and put the belt round us both', sends a chill down my spine ... with a few of them i have actually had to physically 'demonstrate' what would happen to their child, should i even just have to slam-on, let alone have an accident ... then you see their faces as it dawns on them what they have been doing all this time ... how their child would be crushed against the strap and their body weight ... and some even start off being mildly angry at me for forcing them to have to get home another way ... until i explain.
    so whilst i agree that it not good to be judgemental and snooty and be condescending etc, its also wise to take advantage of any knowledge that can be offered to you - in anything really, not just parenting.
    I personally would rather have a few minutes of angst and uncomfortableness - if it meant i learned something that saved my child from harm or meant i would do something that gave them the very best chance in life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh god I couldn't agree with you more about intervening and offering advice where safety is concerned - I wouldn't hesitate in saying something I had genuine concerns. It's the everyday Judgy 'ooh I'd do it this way instead' remarks that are the most unhelpful. Sometimes people offer you genuine advice and that's fab of course. Thanks for reading :-)

      Delete
  6. BTW Everything I read told me not to potty train until they were ready - the book I used the most was No Tears Potty Training, they had a quiz to help you assess it. Plus, if you wait until they are ready (with boys usually around 4), it is over within a couple of days. If you try to early, you will continually be cleaning up accidents. Both my two - when they were around 4 - went dry day and night within a week or so. Honestly. Ignore everyone but what is good for you and your child.

    And I chose to stay at home with mine, but EVERYONE told me I must hurry and sign them up for childcare when I was pregnant (I live in Holland, you only get 3 months off here, which is definitely why I wasn't going back to work), and so many were shocked when I said I wasn't going back to work.

    It's no one's business what each mum chooses. I actually envy mums that get time off at work! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks for this post I needed to hear it! I had problems breastfeeding and gave up after 6 wks I heard on the radio today that breast feeding makes your child smarter and more successful and I had to pull over and cry cos I felt so guilty I had stopped after 6 wks! I always feel I have to justify why I stopped and why I'm doing whatever it is I'm doing! It's already so hard without making it harder! Love your blog it really makes me feel better and makes me realise I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please stop feeling guilty, breast is great if it works but formula is fab too! I had to stop breastfeeding my eldest at 24 hours old, she's coming up 7 next month and is in the top set for everything at school. Clearly done her no harm. I too hate how there is a stigma attached to not breast feeding. (See how I didn't justify my giving up ;-))

      Delete
    2. It's easier said then.done but what is best for baby is actually best for baby. Breast or bottle it doesn't matter as long as they are getting fed. I bottle fed my first and she is 7 now in year 3 and is getting 100 percent in year 4 level maths tests. My youngest sister was bottle fed she is 9 and has a reading and writing ability of a 12 year old. My son was only breast fed for 8 weeks and his reception teacher is so impressed with his math and English. My youngest is 13 months now and we are still breastfeeding so she would have to be a mini Einstein to prove them right hey.

      Delete
  8. Another amazing post. I confess the first time around I shamefully was one of them 'pretend to be perfect' type mums, I did everything by the book and preached about it. This time around, I'm just trying to make it through the day on no sleep with a wild and savage toddler! my focus is now on keep the kids alive and keeping sane! I go to work for a break I happily drop my baby off at nursery and wish them luck without feeling any guilt!! x

    ReplyDelete
  9. Love the blog, but the cursive font is pretty awful. It's like reading fairy footprints.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. God I know. I really must sort that out...I'm pretty shit with that sort of thing. Duly noted though, you've prompted a long-overdue blog makeover.

      Delete
  10. I just discovered your blog and it is brilliant! You are brilliant! I firmly believe the hilarious honesty of your blog may keep me sane over the next few months, I've a 17 month old and am expecting number two. Thanks for making me laugh even though I feel totally crap. I look forward to reading more of your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I posted on my Facebook page for the first time since becoming a mom 10 months ago 'today I was a super mom' and I genuinely feel like it. I still explained away at least 5 decisions I made for my son such as giving him some of my chips with his lunch and letting him have a dummy all day because he is teething. I just can't help it. Lol.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I've just started reading your blog and I'm in love!Thanks for writing about reality!!��I've been on both sides of the working mum/stay at home mum and constantly felt the need to explain myself. Why am I working when I 'should' be at home looking after my child? Why am I at home when I 'should' be working? Recently I realised that it wasn't really other people judging me, the problem was that I was judging myself. Things feel much better now that I realise that it only matters what I think about what I'm doing with my own life!:-)

    ReplyDelete
  13. The most sensible thing I've read on FB for a long time! Only just found your page - could have done with it 7 years ago! Thanks. X

    ReplyDelete
  14. Every word you say is true. Loving reading your blog. Xx

    ReplyDelete
  15. I was literally scolded by people over my decision to have a home birth - 'hmmm, no I have actually thought it through since I'm not an idiot and no, I don't believe I am wifully endangering my unborn baby' (cretins). When I went back to work full time I might as well have recorded my treatise on 'why I am going back to work full-time and how I have ensured that my child will be fine in childcare' and played the bloody thing on a loop. Loving your blog although really must not read when I am actually at work since I keep squawking out loud with laughter!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Yes! I love this! I am a 3rd time formula feeding, 2nd time dummy using mum to 3 girls (4, 2 & 3 months). I am finally starting to realise that I don't need to justify myself, my kids are great and I feel fine about the way I'm raising them (most of the time!). I admit to having been judgmental as a new parent - my eldest never had a dummy and I thought people that used them were lazy or something. Then my 2nd was born and I realised that some babies just NEED dummies, even if it's just to help keep their parents sane! Now, I try not to fear judgement and I try not to judge, everyone's just doing what they need to to get through the day :-)

    ReplyDelete
  17. I love this and can so relate, I explain / defend my decisions all the time.... well no more! I bottle fed because breastfeeding feeding isn't for me! I have gone back to work full time because I earn more than my husband and I love the break from my kids and having an identity again other than mum! I have done all I have done because it suits me and my family! So ner! Ha x Love your blogs x new reader (and slightly addicted lol)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Spot on... my closest friends and I have always been nothing but supportive of each other through our different choices and learnt from our differing experiences. The way you write is delightful... high five!

    ReplyDelete
  19. So unbelievably true! I always find myself justifying my decisions! We're our own worst critics 😜

    ReplyDelete
  20. You are so right.. But as you say some people do judge.if I ever give advice ( hopefully when someone has asked me for it !) I always say that I am only an expert in my own children.. But that this .... Etc has working for us !

    ReplyDelete
  21. When I loved in the States people would say "whatever works, right?" No judging, just an acknowledgement that everyone has been there at some point 😊

    ReplyDelete
  22. All I can say is my 4 are 32, 30, 28 and 26. I'm sure I didn't do everything right but they are all alive. All have children of their own, all working and all healthy. There is no right and wrong way, just your way. I wish I'd stressed less and enjoyed more. Now onto grandchildren aged 10, 9, 5, 4, 14 m and 7 m. Love your blog x

    ReplyDelete
  23. My youngest has ADHD and although we have had no formal diagnosis (we don't really want to go down the 'labelling' road - although I'm not judging others that do!) I find myself constantly explaining her behaviour and mannerisms to other mums almost in an apologetic way. It really upsets me afterwards. I think I need to stop worrying about what others think!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Love your blog!!
    I gave up breastfeeding with my first. Was absolutely shitting myself when it came to me telling my midwife; I'm a paediatric nurse who attends breastfeeding study days! I felt as if I was going to be judged by everyone, especially my midwife, all because of the job I do. How wrong I was!! My midwife was so supportive, she basically said "happy mum, happy baby". I still felt the need to explain why I was stopping, I think it's just built in us to do so!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Just awesome... Amen!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. My mom had 12 kids so when I had mine I thought I'd hear great advice... What I got instead was "every child is different, here are some things to try".i live by that now that I've had 4.

    ReplyDelete
  27. hahaha mrs judgey knickers

    ReplyDelete