Sunday, 20 September 2015

Job Advertisement: Parent

We are seeking a Parent to join our team of UK Parents.

About The Role
Hours: 168 hours per week
Location: Home-based, though access to a car or public transport is desirable as visits to the park and/or soft play hell labyrinths may be required.

Key duties/responsibilities:
- Imaginative use of baby wipes.
- Accepting graciously that you are never ever playing Lego right. You are doing it wrong.
- Negotiating with a small person who is protest planking amongst the home accessories in Debenhams.
- Clearing up poo, snot and vomit.
- Mind reading (you will need to know why the baby is crying and during the toddler years you will need to understand that just because he said he wanted cheese sandwiches it doesn't mean he wanted cheese sandwiches though when you take the cheese sandwiches away he will cry hysterically about the loss of the cheese fucking sandwiches).
- Mediating arguments over who gets the best beaker.
- Overseeing the Witching Hour/s (usually 5pm-7pm, this often involves food being lobbed from highchairs and general arsiness about nothing at all).

About You
The ideal candidate will have a degree in Patience, an NVQ Level 3 in CBeebies and the dexterity of an octopus on speed. You should possess a strong desire to be accompanied everywhere (including the toilet) and a high level of irritation tolerance for programmes like Peppa Pig and Twatsy and Tim. You should not possess a strong desire to:
- Sleep
- Get shit-faced
- Laze around in your PJs
- Sit down with a cup of tea
- Browse Accessorize
- Sunbathe 
(Unfortunately these activities are not compatible with the role).

Remuneration Package and Benefits
Salary: The square root of fuck all
[This role is very much an investment, non-financial rewards include a warm fuzzy feeling and pride so overwhelming your heart could burst].

*The small print
Due to the nature of this role we regret we cannot facilitate any annual leave and there will be no designated breaks throughout your 168 hour weekly shift, though in exceptional circumstances it might be possible to organise cover through our relief agency Grandparent Staffing (extra teeth-brushing will be required as a result). In line with our Up Shit Creek Without a Paddle policy no training will be provided. This is a permanent position and you cannot ever resign.

The Unmumsy Mum


45 comments:

  1. Brilliant! How come you're not given the job description until after you've accepted the job?! ๐Ÿ˜ฃ

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    1. Probably because you would take the job even if you've read the job description. The non-financial rewards are too appealing ;)

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    2. Because no childless person ever quite believes how hard it is going to be. God knows I have tried to warn them and if I hear another bright-eyed would-be mummy tell me she's just going to sleep train the baby properly and therefore not have problems I may spontaneously combust.

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    3. Fantastic!!! So true

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  2. So very true, this made me chuckle.

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  3. Best job in the world but oh so hard!!

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  4. It's hard to wonder why so many apply for this post. Mind Control Perhaps? Sheer insanity? Gluttony for punishment? And how, oh how does it end up being the best bloody job in the world?

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  5. Definitely wouldn't even get the interview - also (and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone here) I was all out by the Witching hour bit..

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  6. "Twatsy and Tim" perfect description!

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  7. So so true. Also, there is no sick leave...ever! You also never ever have reviews so will never know how you are doing other than you child throwing regular tantrums and telling you that they hate you. Brilliant post. So so true. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

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  8. Please come up with a derogatory term for Peppa Pig, or as our 21month old calls her "cor ". We went to Disney Jr for a while as Peppa and the cbeebie lot (bing mainly) just seemed bratty after 987,999 hours x

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  9. Ha ha :) lie the Grandparents Staffing, we use their services too occasionally :) 10pm cartoon watching and chocolate eating all too familiar :)

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  10. I totally love the extra teeth brushing point!! Big Red came home from her grandmother's house the other day and when I asked what she had had for dinner.. Her reply was... two chocolate balls. These are a bowl of lindor balls. I was secretly very jealous !! x

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  11. Is it sheer madness to admit that I actually have, erm, favourite Peppa Pig episodes? ;)

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    1. Mine is the whistling one where peppa hangs up on Suzy sheep!

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    2. As long as they involve Mr.Bull or Mr. Fox it's fine.

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    3. Oh my, my husband and I saw the whistling episode the other day, stopped what we were doing when Peppa pigs up the phone and said 'i love this bit', you are not alone!!!

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    4. Any episode with grampy rabbit. Particularly the one stranded on the island. I like it when he says hel make a mark in the sand every time he thinks about cheese. After just finishing a pregnancy and all the cheese denial it involves i can relate to that :-)

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    5. Haha yeah I like the whistling one too! And when Grampy Rabbit loses his voice and Dr Brown Bear says "is that so bad"? I need to get out more.......

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    6. The one where Kylie Kangaroo and family pop in for a visit. Amazing

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    7. My favourite episode is when Daddy Pig and Mr Wolf are in the boat and Mr Wolf says he is a bit hungry haha. Oh and where Daddy Pig builds his house and he asks what Daddy pigs house is made of hahahahaha

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  12. I asked my husband if I could resign and he said I had to give a year's notice for every month worked. Son was 22 months old at the time.

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  13. Thanks - made me smile after a long day with a grumpy teething seven-month-old. :)

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  14. Hilarious - thank you. My 2 year old daughter's latest form of punishment for me is protest planking ๐Ÿ˜‚

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  15. I would go for the job but unfortunately I cannot have children so I shall stick to having a paid job with annual leave.

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  16. Where can I sign up. ..... I love to have this job...... it sounds very rewarding, ive only ever been relief staff ( friends of main applicant) but for 7yrs I loved it. ..... I want to be the main applicant. .... unfortunately due to health issue of a stumbling block and now age..... it doesn't look like this position will be offered to me EVER!!!

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  17. They leave home eventually. Then you have to remember who you are . . . then you are a grandparent and it all starts again.
    Whoopee!!

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    1. yeah they leave...and then they bloody come back!!!

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  18. Eventually they leave home. Then you have to remember who you are . . . just when you do, you become a grandparent. And it starts all over again. Hooray!!

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  19. What a great post thanks for cheering me up!

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  20. I actually cried at 'Twatsy and Tim!' ����������

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    1. Chortle. I'm using that from now on. Nina and the Morons is my personal annoyance closely followed by Kate and freaking Mim Mim (wtaf?)

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  21. Haha laughed out loud at this because it is so true! I'm a mother of 3 and grandmother of 1. My youngest son (24) thinks his 5 year old nephew is a great advert for birth control!

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  22. This reminded me of this video!! https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BbIX17AMpjE xx

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  23. Haha, love this. It's so true though. I have debated this with my hubby when he gets home from work he thinks it's time for him to do nothing, hell no. I'd love to see the job description of a dad.
    www.sheenaneil.com

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  24. God yes, the Husband job description would be farcical in this household. Grumpily stomp around demanding people eat peas and suggesting games of Transformers right before bed would be two on our list, grr!!

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    1. Lol, I have a feeling you are considering writing one. Would be a good laugh at least. :)

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  25. Ha ha. Brilliant. Of course there is an unwritten clause in the contract that roles will be reversed as a 50 years long service bonus!

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  26. As hard as it sounds some of us would LOVE to apply for (and gain!!!) this position! Good luck to all the lucky candidates!

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  27. Haha there are lots of cold cups of tea around here :)

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  28. Brilliant post! I just found your blog through a link in Tim's latest post.

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  29. The square root of fuck all, better than a kick in the tits though...oh wait. We've all had one of them too! Hysterical again!

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  30. Reading this at 5am while my 6 month old daughter does the breastfeeding gymnastics then throws up in my belly button!
    Then I get that 'nipple hanging out the side of her mouth like a fag' smile...best job ever!

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