Wednesday, 3 February 2016

I Am a Terrible Mother (my innermost thoughts from today)

Most of what I write and share on this blog is a kind of tongue-in-cheek observational snapshot of my life with small, slightly feral, children. I rant, I laugh, I curse the gigantinormous list of shit I need to do (and then curse the inability to complete any such shit without somebody crying). But it's all quite light-hearted and generally picks up on one or two moments from an otherwise event-free (and often quite pleasant) day. We cope just fine.

This week I am not coping just fine.

There are several fairly understandable reasons why this is so. One child has got chicken pox, the other child has got a cough, and both me and Mr Unmumsy have got the flu. Last night the pair of us woke up in a panic and patted down our pyjama bottoms, fearing that by some bizarre and unfortunate synchronised incident we had pissed ourselves in our sleep. We had, in fact, just sweated so much that we were lying in a puddle. That's too much information, sorry, I'm just setting the scene.

I am not here to write a blog post about the Flu Sweats, or the sheer disaster of running out of painkillers which led to me clawing at the medicine cupboard and desperately swigging Capol like an addict. I'm sat typing a post because above and beyond feeling physically crap this week I have found my emotional state slightly more alarming.

Tomorrow, incidentally, is Time To Talk Day and if we are to remove the stigma and embarrassment around mental health more generally I think us parents need to share our innermost thoughts and feelings every now and again. So this is me sharing my thoughts from today (and I mean my actual thoughts - this is the state of my brain right now):

I wish I was anywhere else but here.
I can't cope with my own kids. I literally cannot cope with my own kids.
I shouldn't have had kids at all. Other parents just get on with it when everybody is ill. I am resentful that The Show Must Go On this week and it's not their bloody fault, is it?
I hate what being a mum has turned me into. Why am I screaming at everyone?
I am a terrible mother.
This is not okay.
This is not okay.
This is not okay.

I'm not picking this apart. I don't need to tell you that I remain pretty satisfied with my decision to procreate and make small humans (marginally less satisfied today, it has to be said, but satisfied all the same). I've been here many times before and have almost always shaken it off by 9am the next day when I'm teaching the kids the Macarena and eating Weetos out of the box.

I'm simply sharing that these were my thoughts today.
Because we don't share our true thoughts often enough.

Much love
The Unmumsy Mum x

124 comments:

  1. Introducing one blogger to another, may I recommend The Hands Free Mama - food for thought for when you no longer have flu, either that or I can give you the number of an amazing acupuncturist.

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  2. Thank you for this! I agree, it's rare for people (and especially parents) to share their true thoughts. I imagine many of us could write exactly what you have shared here (I definitely could!). About 100 times a day.

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  3. I just love you. I've had days where I have felt exactly like this. Thank you for making me feel normal. We're not crap xxxxxxxx

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  4. I am a mum to 3 1/2 year old twins. 95% of the time I am an amazing mum, but 5% of the time I also hate what being a mum has turned me into. Your post really resonated with me (& I've had a good day today!). Keep on keeping on, and concentrate on your own 95%.

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  5. Yes. Most days I can shush the real thoughts, but low/tired days they take over.

    I hope everyone is feeling better soon and the sunshine comes

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  6. Once again, you've made me feel better about feeling a failure. I've had an absolutely shit week, hubby away with work, kids, dog, work to deal with. Flipped my top with the kids today, because I lost count of how many times I'd said "Get your shoes on". So, Thank You, and hope you feel better tomorrow!

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  7. Wow. Thank You. I've been there and other dark thought'ed places and you are right, we often don't share our true thoughts. In fact it is fairly terrifying to even consider sharing my inner thoughts and anxieties so plainly but just perhaps you have inspired my inner thoughts to have a go. I've read yours, I can only feel a sense of "yeah, been there, I hear you", no judging, no harsh opinion. I don't think less of you for your thoughts, only thinking more of you for being so bravely honest. Thank You for the inspiration x

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  8. Unfortunately at the moment this is me most daysn. My nearly four year old drives me nuts, screams, shouts, stomps...even roars at me. I wonder if I'm a bad mother, if she even loves me. It must be hard being nearly four but you know what? Being mum to a nearly four year old isn't fun either.

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  9. Exactly my thoughts over the last few days, and I don't even have the excuse of being ill xxx thanks, I needed this today X

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  10. Exactly my thoughts the last few days and I don't have the excuse of being ill xx thanks, I needed this today 😏

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  11. Really needed to read this today! Thank you so much Unmumsy Mum for sharing. ::Air hugs:: (sorry, don't want any piss sweat on my clothes, I'm already covered in god knows what else from the tiny terror in my house!) <3

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  12. I've been feeling pretty much like this this week. Thank you for sharing. Too I hope this will pass and is just down to me being a hormonal period mess, and the fact that for the last two weeks my toddler has been up half the night as he has a terrible cold. My friend said to me the other day 'bless I'm he's poorly' and I could barely emphasise because I'm so fricking exhausted. But of course I adore him and today when I got home from work he was absolutely beautiful to me and my heart am started to melt a bit. Hugs and thank you for what you do xx

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  13. Almost daily I think that I hate my life but I don't really! I just hate getting out of bed before 8am... or I'll feel jealous of I'm in Costa trying to have a cup of tea with my 2 year old and I see someone say on their own just chilling out. ..

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    1. Haha I get SO jealous of people just walking down the street BY THEMSELVES or a couple just hanging out walking arm in arm and laughing. No stress lines, no frantic looking around for an errant toddler, no mountains of bags and pushchair and stuff. Ah, one day! (I have a 3 year old and 1 year old, in the trenches...)

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    2. hello Becky just reading what you wrote i was like you guys a mother and wife, going through the struggles a mother puts herself through, giving up things so your family can be happy, there are rewards and also pay back for when they grow up and have their own kids, but for me just turned 50 last august and i still have to have a backpack with spare cloths (Undies and shorts)in-case i wet myself :( and 1 for medicines and then my handbag and a walking stick to, sorry to tell you but once they leave the nest, you still need those extra things most of the time im not saying that everyone will have to look forward to this when they get older but i still look on the bright side i have a loving family and because i was there for my daughter, she has a good outlook on life and we are close, now i get to enjoy her son too a beautiful 10 month old cheeky child that makes us laugh and cry too. i always think that there is someone else worse off than me, that way i know i have a good life, try to keep smiling, the world is full of people that care and love someone in the world

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  14. I used to dream about breaking an arm or a leg so that I could have a few days, or even a week, in hospital if I was lucky so I could get some sleep! It never happened and now I get sleep. It passes and these thoughts are normal, if we consider people who find it all a little bot hard and ridiculous hard. Good luck and thank you for being my kind of normal xx

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    1. I thought I was the only person to think that thank you! I spent a week fantasising about being sectioned just for a rest (I know very bad taste) x

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  15. Thank you... sometimes I feel that i'm the only mum to have those moments! x

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  16. Thanks for sharing. My own head has the exact same thoughts regularly.. Now I feel bad because I have never attempted to teach my kids the Macarena...

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  17. When my 5 month old girl cries I usually think 'she is just trying to communicate, just figure out what she needs and she'll be fine'. However, today In the midst of my first post-partum period and a shitty cold, and when she cried I actually thought 'oh please shut the fuck up just please shut up.' I put myself in time out after that - 30 seconds of deep breathing later and we started again. She was just tired and has snotty nose, like me. Thank you for this post today. I feel so much better knowing I am not alone. I adore my little girl. Feel better soon. xxxx

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  18. I really needed to read this post this night. Thank you.

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  19. Well done for posting this, we all feel like this at times, it's not a sign of failure but of a realistic acceptance that this job, whilst being the most amazing one, is also one where no one is an expert and is one of the hardest things I have ever done. The other hardest is trying bloody hard to not swear loudly as I step on yet another piece of sodding lego!

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    1. Oh yes I so hear you! I tend to do Harry from home alone type muttering jibberish when I tread on Lego. ��

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    2. Yes I so hear you! I often do Harry from home alone type muttering jibberish when I step on Lego!

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  20. I hear you. I moan about my kids every day in a semi joking / semi serious way. Today one of my younger male colleagues joked about the tough love I show to my kids. I laughed it off but have felt so guilty since. Why do I slag them off? To make me look cool to the young ones? To show I'm more than a mum? To look strong at work? To be anti-Mumsy? I fear it's a self fulfilling prophecy. I also know it's my hormones and tomorrow will be fine. But still.

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    1. I do exactly this too and have to try and stop myself. I find it cathartic but I realise not everyone gets my humour. I adore my son but I know exactly what you mean about self fulfilling prophecy. Don't be too hard on yourself!

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  21. I am sure you are completely aware but you are completely normal, the amount of time I have though 'how did my life come to this?' 'why did I have children?' 'I am so jealous of her, just getting to sleep if she fancies it?' but it always comes back to being grateful for the two darlings I have.......eventually x

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  22. Excellent honesty!! We've all been here but not everyone admits it! xx

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  23. Hit the nail completely on the head,every single day, at least one of these thoughts pop into my head. Hooray for unedited honesty.

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  24. It's not a case of being a bad parent, and everyone gets ill and finds it difficult to cope. You've done today. You entered the day with four, you've left it with four. Sometimes it's not about winning, just staying equal.

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  25. Thank you.

    This week I felt so crap I planned to wean my 15 month old off the boob and leave him with his Daddy and the in-laws while I went to live God knows where on my own. I honestly believed he would be better off without me.

    This feeling passed.

    It helps to know I'm not the only one who feels like a terrible mum sometimes. Hope your week gets better xxx

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  26. I have thoughts of running away, but today like every day I'm still here as I will be here tomorrow and so on. These thoughts are what keep us going because they are just that "thoughts" xx

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  27. Cannot tell you how un-lonely (is that a real word?) you have just made me feel! Thank you! That was me yesterday & again sadly today.
    To set my scene I have a crick in my neck, razors in my throat, a cough am certain could wake the dead & my mouth is full of 'wow your rundown' cold sores that look like I attempted home lip filler, added to this my 3 small humans are carrying a delightful combination of snots, impetigo, temperature & coughs. I truthfully could not feel crappier about being a crappy mum, so thank you. Crappy I might be alone I am not!

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  28. Thank you for your honesty.

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  29. Thank you for sharing this, its a very brave thing to share. Your blog is truly wonderful. it makes mums feel good, laugh out loud, feel normal and above all realise they are not alone. I wish there were more blogs out there like yours rather than the super mummy/we never loose our s**t type ones that there seem to be too many of! perhaps then more of us mums who struggle from time to time would feel ok about it when times are hard and perhaps it would encourage us to find more time to talk. I hope you all feel better soon, keep going your doing great xx

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  30. Yet again you speak my words. We've got the lurgy too and last night was is if my all time parenting lows. Get well soon x

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  31. Thank you for this post. I'm too scared to tell anyone what I think some days so I really appreciate your honesty. Keep up the wonderful work. X

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  32. Very refreshing to hear someone actually speak the truth. Some days are just utterly crap and you can feel like you are the worst parent in the world and then the next day will be the complete opposite. Hope you all feel better soon, the flu sweats are the pits!

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  33. Lilycharlesloves3 February 2016 at 22:08

    You are absolutely not alone and no-one should ever feel that they are. If motherhood were an actual job we would all have left after two weeks for misleading adverts about the role, no breaks and 'working with' the most selfish colleagues you've ever met. Being ill and still on duty is enough to test anyone to the limit and having horrible thoughts about little shits that don't know when to shut up is perfectly normal. We are all just muddling through and those rare Macarena moments are all we've got until our shrivaled useless brains allow us to look back and only remember the good bits! Xx

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  34. You are absolutely not alone and no-one should ever feel that they are. If motherhood were an actual job we would all have left after two weeks for misleading adverts about the role, no breaks and 'working with' the most selfish colleagues you've ever met. Being ill and still on duty is enough to test anyone to the limit and having horrible thoughts about little shits that don't know when to shut up is perfectly normal. We are all just muddling through and those rare Macarena moments are all we've got until our shrivaled useless brains allow us to look back and only remember the good bits! Xx

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  35. Love this. I have three children and at times I feel like this and it sucks. I have three girls, 8yr old 2yr old and a 2month old. So hard being a mum and to top today off both my youngest have been sick everywhere

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  36. I am a 34 year old mum of three. I have an 11 year old and a four and five year old. I hav days like this too. I was very poorly last week (and all weekend) and I couldn't cope with my family then either. I shouted at my children because they decided that they wanted to argue, then fight, then make a mess of the living room and their bedrooms and not tidy up. I just lost it. I felt and still feel guilty, but there is a tiny part of my being that tells me it is actually okay to show your children that you aren't a maid, or a servant, or indeed - a stepford bloody wife! Us mothers get tired and we get upset! We are only human after all!

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  37. Thank you! You just made me feel so much better! It's not just me! Xxx

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  38. Very true we don't share those thoughts and I think we all have them! Get well soon. Chickenpox is a bitch!😘

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  39. I frequently look at my 3 little boys and feel sorry them coz I'm their mum. The relationship you have with your mum is so important and significant and I feel sad for my boys because they're alone in this big bad world with me as their protector....and I'm pretty crap

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    1. I too am the mother of 3 boys and know where you're coming from. But my boys are now fathers themselves where have the years gone? I remember being on automatic pilot to get thro each day. Try to enjoy every good moment before it's too late xx

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    2. If you care enough that your kids have someone in the world then you are doing a better job than you think. They have you and they also have each other. There are lots of different ways to be a good parent x

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  40. I put an honest feeling post on Facebook and people think I'm being funny 😣

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  41. I also really needed to read this today after a week of feeling crap and barely able to swallow that also led me one night to take carpal! Most days I don't like who i have become and I had imagined myself a better Mum. But I'm trying

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  42. I totally understand your sentiments and feelings. This is my one true fear as my husband is away most weeks and that's usually fine but when he is away and I get sick I am fearful of what I turn into. My patience and tolerance goes to an all time low. I feel you pain. Hope you get well soon 😊

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  43. I'm battling post natal depression and wish so much that more mums were so honest. Just because you say 'I'm going to put my kid on eBay at this rate!!' It doesn't mean you will... You are venting from the pressure cooker of frustration that a little "rascal" can cause! Some people judge before thinking how life outside the snapshot they see has been. Did the kid sleep? Did they tantrum cos their nappy had the wrong animals on it. Did they turn into a string of spaghetti as you tried to get them dressed?! Or a plank of wood as you tried to get them in the car seat?!
    Mums. I beg you. Perfection is a myth. Feelings are real. You are not a failure if you have them. Quite the opposite. Talk openly to your closest. They won't judge - not if they are real friends. They might even offer help or advice.
    Unmumsy mum - I love you!
    I hope people listen to you and see that it's ok to feel dark on rough days, just as much as its amazing to feel proud and loved on the good ones!!! xx

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  44. I'm mum to 3 year old twin boys and spend 90% of the time thinking I should never have done this & quite often think if I could wind back the clock, would I do it again... Not sure is the honest answer. Then they give me a cuddle or I look at them asleep & think how crap a mum I am to think that. But after going back on the happy pills after a day from hell on Friday I'm feeling better..... And for everything else there's friends and of course, wine. Plenty of wine! xxx

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  45. Hope u feel better soon I totally get it all x

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  46. Your absolutely right. I think as parents we think we should repress our true feelings and emotional state and carry on (often coming across as psychos because we aren't dealing with our own shit) if I sat down and thought about it, Everything is not okay. But that's okay to say.
    Thank you so much ❤

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  47. Well said! It seems that all over social media we must "appear" to be perfect parents.Wouldn't it be refreshing to share our true thoughts for just a day. Thank you for another fantastic post!

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  48. Every night before I go to bed, I think the exact same thing and it terrifies me that my son will only remember me shouting at him! Every morning he gets into bed with me and tells me he loves me more than anything which gives me hope that he won't'. It's hard.
    I use this technique.. If I feel myself getting wound up with my son and I feel that I'm going to scream at him, i take myself back to the moment that he was born and when I held him in my arms for the first time.. It calms me down and I deal with the situation better. As when I think of that moment it brings me pure happiness! (That said it doesn't work every time, but it's always worth a shot) :) x

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  49. Thank you Unmumsy. I really hope you feel better soon and have happier days.
    We have all felt like that.

    So... My own honest thoughts (eek!)....When my kids are ill or under the weather and people ask how they are and I explain that they are poorly, people say 'oh bless, it must be so hard for them' I am screaming inside 'What about me??!!! I am f***ing knackered! How am j supposed to cope like this? If it carries on I'll get depressed again...' Etc etc.
    It feels really ugly and selfish to think those things. But maybe I'm not such a weirdo. Maybe other people do to.
    Maybe we're all just the same xxxx

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  50. Thank you to everyone who has been so honest, it's hard to admit some things but it is so refreshing to find I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings. I'm not a bad mum, I'm a normal mum! Yay!

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  51. As a mum of 3 young boys there are many days I feel like this and don't dare share my true thoughts and feelings with those around me! Thank you so much for your honesty, it makes me feel normal (or as normal as I can be!) Hope u all feel better soon❤️Xx

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  52. I never comment on blogs, but I've read many of yours and think you are just wonderful. I've shared your blog telling ladies they have to follow you, you are fab, for being honest, hilarious and most of all making us feel we are not the only one and that we are not crazy! X

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  53. I only wish this blog was here when I was a new mum - it would have saved me from so much guilt and angst wondering what I was doing wrong and why I wasn't constantly (or ever!) beaming like a Mothercare advert. I think it's important that us Mums forgive ourselves - we are doing the best we can under impossible conditions (it seems!). They don't come with handbooks or off-switches, and we can't rewind a sleep-deprived comment. This type of honesty is invaluable to us all - thank you (and everyone else) for sharing xx

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  54. Reading this post and all the comments makes me realise I'm not alone in feeling this way.

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  55. Thank you. I'm not ill and I only have one lovely little girl but have felt this very same this week. It's very lonely and yet again you've helped more than you know and probably without intending to.

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  56. Thank you for sharing...can totally relate to those thoughts. Hope you all feel better soon ❤️❤️❤️

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  57. Hey at least you didn't piss yourself - and the Macarena is a completely underrated life skill! x much love, the glass is always half full (especially on a Friday night) xx

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  58. Thanks for your honesty. I hated the early years. As the previous person commented it was often lonely and I constantly negatively compared myself to other mums who always looked as if they knew what they were talking about and seemed to be enjoying it all. Mine are now 12 and 6 and it gets better. So good to hear real feelings for a change. Xxx

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  59. Hugs, �� I have....
    6am -' maaaaaammmyyyyyyyy' repeat like a tinnitus fuelled siren for a good half hour..
    8.30 toast is obviously pure poison...
    10am ... 'No snacks it's nearly lunch... Oh Christ what's for lunch...'
    1pm 'stop hitting your brother'
    2pm - too early for chocolate?
    3pm - ooo car keys are there... I could just drive away.... ��
    4pm - are you trying to kill me?
    5pm - 2 hours til wine o'clock... What the hell's for dinner?!!

    2 hours of frenzy, feeding, whinging and a few tantrums/tears with the odd sibling inflicted bruise...

    7.30pm.... I have survived another day.....��

    You are amazing and inspire so many with your truths, keep soldiering on... ❤️

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    1. What it is with witching hour between dinner and bedtime?!? My two (1&4) go crazy!

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  60. When I have birth to my daughter 6 months ago I felt completely overwhelmed! To the point where I convinced myself I was struggled with PND 3 days in!! Just as you described, it felt as though ever other woman around me had taken to motherhood so naturally and I was drowning!!
    Then I discovered your blog and I finally felt as though I wasn't alone!
    6 months on and I have been up all night clearing up projectile vomiting and trying to calm a screaming baby whilst being torn between feeling so worried about her and wondering why I ever decided becoming a mum was a good idea!?! Once again, your blog has made me feel I am not alone! Being a mum is all consuming and completely overwhelming at times. I truly adore my daughter but I am not ashamed to say it is f**king hard sometimes!!
    Thank you for giving me (and so many other mums) such support! I hope you recover asap! X

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  61. Thank you for being so honest. It really helps to read this when this is how I feel too. I have depression and battle with these kind of thoughts regularly. We must talk about it more. Hope you are all feeling better soon xxx

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  62. Thank god for honesty. Hope you are feeling good better soon. No one has their shit together 100% of the time and I have certainly felt this way even though I am incredibly lucky and love my babies and Mr L very much. Some days are like pushing water up hill with a rake and that is pretty tough! X

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  63. You are simply great for sharing. I have thoughts like these more often than I should and knowing one is not alone is so very important. Thanks and hope the flu passes soon and the small humans get well too xx

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  64. How refreshing to know that others have struggles too. We've been in isolation this past week as my son has chickenpox too and I've got a Totton cold. The first few days were OK, lazy lots of TV etc but then the boredom and guilt set it and I began getting irritable. I then took son out for a short walk but feeling paranoid about people staring at my mildly spotty child.
    It's so refreshing to get an honest account of a parents day to day struggles. We all try and hide behind a ' my family's so perfect' facade sometimes so it's great to know we all have shitty times too.
    Hope you all get well soon and feel better about things x

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  65. So I've finally climbed into bed at 23.56. The clothes are ironed, the packed lunches are made. Washing folded, dishwasher on. All ready for school n work tomorrow. Domestically this was a good day...

    But I felt like a failure as a mum. The teenager hates me Because I won't give permission for her to go to a house party.
    And the little one is going through another 'testing phase'.
    Everyone's ended the day either in tears or cross. The Joy!
    But tomorrow is a new day!!! Chant the mantra!!!
    No one ever said parenting would be this hard!

    Thank you so much for writing your thoughts as its reminded me I'm far from the only one who finds this tough!
    I hope you're all feeling loads better soon!

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  66. Thank you for sharing. With an eight month old, who is full of cold, my own personal chest death illness and a house that's a shit hole I've been feeling the same. The husband is generally a decent guy, but when he's moaning about putting the baby to bed or about doing the house work that I haven't (not much for him to do really) I find it difficult to not just walk out. I really doubted my mothering skills this morning when my son drove his walker into the clothes horse and it fell on him. I was so tired I just didn't see it propped at the side of the fireplace. I felt so inadequate. But... He was unscathed and we had a dance to stop him crying from the shock. I now feel initiated into motherhood properly as we've had our first accident. I hope you and yours are well soon.

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  67. THANK YOU for posting this, I am single parent to three loud and proud girls (5, 2, 1 years old) most days it's ace, a lot of days I don't know how we get through the day. Your truthful thoughts mirror how I feel on some days and it is SO HARD being a parent! Keep strong, live long, it gets better xx

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  68. Thank you unmumsy mum for being so honest, having anxiety & depression my thoughts are like this most days I feel like a terrible mum in comparison to the other mums around me but reading your thoughts and the comments of other like-minded mums has helped me feel less alone.

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  69. Thank you so much for making me laugh. I have been feeling low and had a day where I literally dumped and run away from my screaming 3 year old at his nursery because he clocked me in the eye (albeit accidentally) whilst he was having an epic sh*t fit. On the way out of said nursery I inwardly told a good natured mother who told me "not to worry" to f**k off and then felt bad for having bad thoughts and topped off the day by trying to get my 7 year old to feel better that my ex and I aren't together and failing quite miserably. To feel low is quite understandable, it feels like the world is on top of you, I have learnt over the past few weeks not to shy away from saying " it's hard work" to friends otherwise they can't help; and you aren't failing if you're searching for help. I've also like Unmumsy Mum have gone at calpol in a Withnail and I way, I've just about come down from the sugar rush. Big hugs to all you ladies xx

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  70. Everyone is thinking it - im glad you've said it!
    We all love our mini-mes but I often dream of dropping them off with grannie or nan for a couple of days so I can just wollow in my own bath and curl up and get myself lost in a long novel with no disruption. But when it comes to leaving them for a couple of hours I miss them like crazy.
    Getting things like this out in the open cannot be a bad thing! Hope you all get better soon xx

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  71. Thank you, I currently have a 5 year old at the end of chicken pox, my just turned 3 year old, who is in simple terms mental, terrible tantrums screaming in my face blowing raspberries whenever he is annoyed lashing out because his sister who has chicken pox, did I mention that, has the upad. Not to mention my husband last 11 months ago, im waiting on the said crazy 3 year old to come out in said chicken pox and I start a new job on Monday 😲😲 with very limited childcare. These have been my thoughts, not all day but generally I do think this most days, it goes away but then quickly comes back when we go to asda for bread and dog food, no need for a trolley, in and our πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ the 3 year old had different plans when he wanted to commando crawl at every opportunity and if not commando crawling playing hide and seek πŸ˜₯ and breath. Xx πŸ’ž

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  72. Thank you for being so honest. I am feeling like that a lot and it is hard to share because people always want to offer advice or fix your problems. I don't want that! Just listen to me rant, give me a hug and know that I'll come good one day lol

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  73. Yes that was my day yesterday. I caught the flu my daughter has been home from school with, I could barely look after myself let alone a sick 7 year old!

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  74. Is it totally wrong that I sometimes wish my 2 year old was old enough to look after herself? I find myself wondering what it'll be like when my kids are old enough for me to a) have a normal conversation and b) go on holiday and leave them at home. I hate myself for thinking like that. So often people tell you to "enjoy every minute". Usually this sage advice is offered when you've been awake since 5 because a bastard cold has stopped your child from staying asleep until a semi-normal hour.
    But then other days I look at my little girl (through bleary eyes) and literally brim over with pride and love.
    It's a weird, slightly bonkers way to live from day-to-day. But I wouldn't change it...well maybe sometimes I would. But that's usually only on the bad days!
    Thank you for your honest, hilarious blog. You so often seem to read my mind! Your posts make me feel "normal", whatever that is! Hope everyone feels better soon. I'll be at home myself today, nursing my girl's horrible cough and cold. Roll on Spring xx

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  75. My current thoughts...

    I'm starving. No time to eat. Ooooo keep still, nearly dropped him off the changing mat then. Need a wee. No time to see. Crap forgot to dry my clothes for work. Jeans again. Ooooo keep still please, just an easy dressing morning. No need a poo. Definitely no time to poo.... Renee @peonieandme x

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  76. Oh yes, this has been me all week with the four month old that refuses to sleep and has more methane in his bowels than Eon and British Gas have in their pipelinesput together. If one more person tells me they don't feed the baby to sleep, that I should persevere with the dummy (yeah right, because him screaming as soon as it hits his mouth is a great sign), or that shhh patting doesn't work that's weird.

    The whole of the last two weeks of fighting naps I have thought this. Particularly that I knew I couldn't do this before he was born and that I liked my old life...maybe other posters are right, I need the time out...

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    1. Have a 17month old one that still needs feeding too sleep every couple of hours, no amount of training helped :( Also know at least three other mums whos babbies were born at the same time and long sleep happily through the whole night now,no training needed ..Such a lottery!

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  77. Ahhh unmumsy so often you make all of us feel better by ranting about your hilarious and very honest escapades. And I'm sure you writing down these anecdotes often makes you feel better by letting out your thoughts but I bet you don't really get much back in the way of comfort/sympathy/support etc! Well this sounds like an absolutely shitter of a time for you all at the moment and also hints that you're not having any help from parents/friends etc which makes it even tougher. Sending you lots of anti flu happy thoughts and virtual hugs so you get better soon. There's always light at the end of the (very long tunnel) and perhaps also gin! In the meantime thank fuck cbeebies runs 13 hours a day hey! X

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  78. Coping with everything that you've got going on right now, I think you're a legend! I wouldn't believe any mum if she said she hadn't had a moment like that at least a handful of times since having children. Hope you all feel better soon x

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  79. When I first had the little monster I was seriously thinking of packing a bag and dropping him off at an orphanage.....it got better......however when i had a serious bout of norovirus last year i lay in the bathroom wondering if i would actually manage the 5 min drive back to nursery to pick him up.....i lay there and worked out who could get to me quicker.....my husband working 4.5 hrs away or my mum living 3 hrs away.....my mum won out.....a 40 year old woman and i still had to call my mum!!! Mums must all be doing something right including me and you

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  80. The last few weeks my kids have been making me want to literally blow my brains out. I love them with a rock solid passion that takes my breath away but I despise and resent them most days. I feel awful for wanting to pack up and run away but they treat me appallingly and if anyone of you came into my house and treated me and it the way my kids do, id kick you ungratful ass straight out the door. So why do I put up with it from these little people who (in an ideal world) should love and adore me and want to do anything to make me happy like I do for them??? I literally HATE my life right now

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    1. This is how I feel about my 10 year old sometimes. Some days I wish her granny would keep her.

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  81. Thanks for sharing this, Sarah, and hope all of you are feeling better now/soon. I have to admit I'm now reaching the point (Kara's nearly 4 and the boys are both about 73) where the trauma of those early years are starting to become a distant memory. On those rare occasions I think back to those *ahem* halcyon days I have a vague memory of sleep-walking zombie parents and the kids taking it in turns to be off school/preschool/nursery with colds, pox, hand foot and mouth and the bubonic plague. I'm not sure which is worse, for everyone to be struck down simultaneously as you have been or for the kids to inflict their rota of ills on you. And it's not really about better or worse, is it? It's shit. It will pass. And that is still no consolation in the moment, is it?

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  82. Thanks for sharing this, Sarah, and hope all of you are feeling better now/soon. I have to admit I'm now reaching the point (Kara's nearly 4 and the boys are both about 73) where the trauma of those early years are starting to become a distant memory. On those rare occasions I think back to those *ahem* halcyon days I have a vague memory of sleep-walking zombie parents and the kids taking it in turns to be off school/preschool/nursery with colds, pox, hand foot and mouth and the bubonic plague. I'm not sure which is worse, for everyone to be struck down simultaneously as you have been or for the kids to inflict their rota of ills on you. And it's not really about better or worse, is it? It's shit. It will pass. And that is still no consolation in the moment, is it?

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  83. Glad to know I'm not alone in feeling this way sometimes. Thanks unmumsy xxx

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  84. Oh my goodness, I honestly thought I was the only one who had these thoughts....fifteen months in, fourteen months of PND (I suspect it's now just regular depression now), and I still have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. It doesn't help that due to a protracted bout of teething, innumerable colds / tonsillitis / pneumonia, none of us have had a proper nights sleep in months, but PLEASE, someone tell me it gets easier! And seriously, people do it again ON PURPOSE???!! Thank you so much for your honesty, it is really appreciated, xxx

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  85. I have a headache and an overly needy miserable 2 year old. Even Mr Tumble can't make her happy.
    6 separate attempts to wash the pile of dishes, each attempt stopped by the incessant whining of my child. I haven't peed all morning and I darent drink the tea I made for fear of wetting myself.

    I'm with you today.. I love my kids but some days I don't enjoy motherhood.

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  86. Flu, chicken pox and a poorly child is enough to send most people to the brink. I know I've certainly had low points where you do question everything and wonder just how you're going to get through the next 24 hours. And by sharing you realise that you're not alone. Life with little humans can be awful at times, it pushes you to the brink and tests every part of you as a person - but you're not alone, and there is light at the end of it xx

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  87. I am so proud of these comments - they are raw and honest and I love you all very much for sharing them. Thank you x

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  88. This is an excellent post. Thank you so much for saying what we're all feeling but for some reason are ashamed to admit. Sending hugs and a virtual large glass of fizz (by that I mean Prosecco rather than soluble paracetamol)

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  89. It is so refreshing to read someone being truthful and in this case, not even in a half-jokey way. Being a Mum is hard and there is far too many people portraying the idyllic side to motherhood and in the process making other Mum's question their worth and abilities as a parent. I hope that this post continues to allow other people to open up about how they truly feel. Hang on in there and thank-you from one stressed out Mum to another xxx

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  90. The only, and by far the best, therapy that has gotten me through post natal depression, and the ups and downs of being a mum, is talking honestly and openly about how I am feeling with other like-minded mums. I naturally veer away from parents that paint the "life is perfect" picture and gravitate towards the realists, the ones who aren't afraid to admit that, actually, being a mum can be tough and a bit shit at times. I am very lucky to have friends that allow me to be myself...we moan to each other and swap bad day stories, but we also laugh a lot and share happy times as well. You are not alone, none of us are. We need to seek out those like-minded people and share our worries and thoughts, our sad stories and our happy stories too. Whether that's face-to-face, on the 'phone or via a blog...as long as we're sharing then we know we aren't alone.

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  91. I thought by the time mine were teenagers i would be over all these crap mother thoughts. However being on my own with 3 teenagers and a 5 year old with a nightshift job has certainly brought them back this week. For some reason my boss thought i needed to do SIX nights on the trot so i havent seen my kids for a week except to shout at them for not washing up for days etc to then feel guilty that i spent the two hours i had with them each night twisting my face at them. I finished my last shift this morning and im still trying to muster the energy to face the 3 days of washing up and the weeks washing that has backlogged. I think my kids deserve better than the knackered wreck they have for a mother but thats all they have but i think every good mum thinks that at some point because they want the best for their children. Im now going to drink a gallon of coffee and tackle my house determined not to waste a day off doing something as trivial as sleeping haha

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  92. Several times in the short 11 months my little one has been here I have felt like this - I cannot cope with my own child, this is not okay - i'm clearly not cut out for motherhood. But then you read stories like this and you realise that everyone is in the same boat!
    Also when my lo was 4 months me & my partner were struck down with a 48hour sickness bug and ran out of painkillers, I literally sat and worked out how much infant calpol I had to drink in order for it to get anywhere near the same dosage as adult paracetamol. A lot. Tasted pretty good though!

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  93. iv read this with tears in my eyes, thanks- not for the tears but for sharing with us that its ok to not be ok. today im very not ok, tomorrow it will be better and its all good. but its not good, because we cant/ darent admit that we struggle. what would perfect muffin baking mummy, who posts that her daughter has mastered internet banking (or running the world- sleeping all night- being a total angel) age 13 days and 2 hours, say? is it Ruth you call her? i have a poorly 3 year old, 4 seizures so far today and so many little ones through the night we lost count. no sleep, me with sinus infection, teenager demanding trip to london to visit harry potter tour thing, loud and whiny 4 year old that needs to be on me squeeking loudly in my irritated ear.... but tomorrow will be better, i know it and look forwards to it!!!! :)

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  94. I'm so glad I'm no the only one who feels this way sometimes. I'm having one of those weeks too and my coping ability is practically zero. Wouldn't change my life for anything though!

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  95. I often feel like this, including today. I just need a bloody break!!! I have 3 kids and 2 jobs, working with kids -yes I must be mad. My youngest comes with me all day Thursday's which is a nightmare. I'm hiding in the kitchen now having a cuppa on my own! I've closed the stair gate so she can't come in. I need to be on my own for half hour and I'm knackered. Mother of the year hey...???

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  96. Thanks so much for your honesty. I have a lot of "I can't cope... Never should have had kids" thoughts at the moment and is a relief to know I'm not alone.

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  97. Thankyou so much, I've been throwing myself on proverbial swords for so long it nice to know that other people feel this way..I escaped an abusive relationship at the cost of my first born being placed in my aunt's care, then 6 years later I met my current partner and fell pregnant with our now 4 daughter, social services descended claimed me to be mentally unstable, and being put through a barrage of mental tests we won the right to keep our little girl. After a 7 MONTH parental assessment. 3 years later, we decided to try for another baby, 26 weeks after catching, a knotted cord meant he had to be delivered by c section. He and I near died,and my little girl nearly lost her mummy... cue 4 and half months of hospital visits, living in an neonatal icu, waiting for the impending knock on our room telling us the worst. Meanwhile, the social decided (despite being told by doctors this was not the case) that I had somehow deliberated caused my sons extreme premature birth..he was taken into foster care for the month after he left hospital. I didn't even get the joy of his first smile. Eren is nearly one now, and home with us!! :) we fought long and hard.. but it's left me with some serious emotional scarring that means I struggle on a daily basis with caring for them. . I constantly question myself,whilst still being subjected to abuse from people who don't know me thinking I'm a bad mum because I struggle to leave the house some days. So thankyou unmumsy mum.. you made me feel human.. xxxxxxxxxx

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  98. Thank you for being so honest. My little girl is nearly 10 months old and the number of times I have thought the same things. Particularly the "I shouldn't have had kids" thought but I know that I wouldn't change having her I just feel guilty for thinking it and feeling like I should enjoy it more. I have to go back to work soon and I feel I have wasted my maternity leave because I haven't enjoyed being a mummy as much as I wanted or expected to.

    Having low mood sucks

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  99. I always worried I hadn't got the memo all the other mums seem to have had.. I am working through through feeling inadequate.. and honest posts like these help to truly take on board there never was a memo or manual. we all try our best and that has to be sufficient.

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  100. You are not on your own. There are days when I know I'm not the parent of hoped to be, when I'm tired and grumpy and feel drained and guilty that I've not 'got it right'. When 4am wake-ups feel like hell...and then I look at / cuddle my daughter and realise that she's only still so small....
    Thankfully, my friends with kids of similar age to mine are honest parents who don't pretend it's always perfect or easy either. But the good outweighs the bad by a mile and we get through it. As my mum says, "it's a phase"...! 😟

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  101. I have had probably THE lowest day today in a really long time... well, 10 months or so... my 17 month old was just NOT playing ball, I had one of those days where everything takes twice as long because you do things like putting your kids clothes on back to front so you have to undress them and do it all over again. Anyway, I am also feeling shit, flu/sinus/cold/viral shit and I took it out on my 17 month old. Just no patience, and i shouted at her a lot today. A LOT. I made her cry a couple of times. And i felt really bad every time I did immediately after I did....

    I'm worried that the weaning off the anti-depressants isnt working. Or is it just that I am stressed out about the fact that my husband is fitting our new kitchen so I have no cooking facilities and my house looks like a bomb has hit it. I dont know...

    But its nice to know that i am not alone.

    I didnt cope today. I hope tomorrow will be better..

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  102. So important to be honest. My doing so we all feel less alone. The last two weeks have been incredible tough here for many reasons. We all have these thoughts. Thsnks for writing this and being you x

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  103. I love this! Blogging about real day-to-day feelings that real mums have. Don't no about anyone else, but reading this makes me feel 'normal' rather than thinking I'm a shit mum at times! X

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  104. I love this blog... Ive also had a terrible week..... 6 months pregnant, sinusitis with nothing to take except paracetamol and antibiotics, covering the office whilst everyone has a nice time abroad on a 'work trip' 2 year old with wee infection, house build in process, electrician who can't add up, husband who told me last night he's going away for 7 months and missing the birth of our second child... oh and to top it all a desperate dash to ikea yesterday at THE busiest time with an irate 2 year old and mother in law in tow (never ever to repeated), i'm trying so hard not to get stressed out, but i want to kill everyone... my patience and tolerance is at its lowest, and my nearest and dearest are suffering the most....i haven't cried yet today which is a bonus... but it will come i'm sure of it...

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  105. I have actually thought about how it would sound IF my kids decided to tell the teacher how mummy was behaving on Sunday. They would not believe it. Because I am so much nicer to other people. They'd be like, "Really Ruby? I don't think mummy would do that." She'd just be sharing stuff like, "Mummy pushed me into my room," and "Mummy told me to look where I was going when I fell over instead of comforting me," and worse. I think I'd lie. Scoff. Say something like, "Kids! Crazy, eh?" Like when my friend Sinead said to me solemnly after a sleepover: "Ruby told me a little lie. She said she didn't have to brush her teeth in the morning." And what did I do? I threw her under the bus. WRONG. I have a voice. I work. I share my opinions. So why don't I just say, "fuck it, she WAS telling the truth.. most mornings I can't be bothered because the main task is getting the bloody shoes on."

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  106. I'm not coping fine either. Picked my daughter up from school today and found out that she was one of the only girls not invited to a sleepover. To make things worse the mum is a friend of mine. It would be ok if it was a one off but she never gets an invite anywhere ever and this has been going on for years. She tries to pretend it doesn't hurt but I can see the sadness in her eyes. Try to say all the right things with a lump in my throat and a heart that hurts. I remember how hard and awful it was when she was ill but at least I could help her to feel better. Just want to send her into school wrapped in a protective blanket like a ready break man so all the hurts will just bounce off her.

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    1. Have you considered asking your friend why there was no invite for your daughter in a gentle, non-confrontational way? Say you have noticed her exclusion a lot over the years and as you are friends, you feel you can ask for an honest, kind answer and then see what she says. It may give you some insight, I mean, no one wants to hear their kid is ''unpopular'' for whatever insane reason, but sometimes their ''at school'' selves are so very different from their at home selves, and a direct answer might actually help you to help her. I have 3 boys and the eldest, who is the sweetest child, is very socially awkward, to the point where we genuinely did wonder if aspergers might be a possibility (it has been ruled out), but he does have quite significant ADD. Now that we know and have addressed it, he is still a weird little guy, but much happier, with 2-3 muckers and quite content in that respect. This might be your moment to find out, really honestly, what's going on. All the best x

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  107. Wowsers. Every evening I tell myself I can get through the bedtime rundown (which takes about 1&1/2 hours- wtf? Why???) but when it comes to brushing teeth I just lose it. I shout, I have to walk into another room, and as I'm having a go, in my head I'm thinking " why the fuck am I so angry" and then it hits me, I'm tired, I've just done and 8.30-5 day in the office (where no one else has kids) and then I get home, my man goes straight out to work in the restaurant and I have a full on 2 hours of my child army demanding milk, hitting me with a singing elsa doll, telling me I'm putting on their pj's the wrong way, sorting out accidents, reading the same sodding book we've read for the last 2 months and being told I'm a fart face. My body had had enough this week and I got flu symptoms last night. I've given the kids away for a sleepover and although I feel like I can't bear to keep being a parent of dull routine, I feel guilt ridden I've got the chance to sleep and feel like they're having deep and meaningful discussions (as much as 2&5 year olds can) about how I'm a terrible mum. So bring on tomorrow where I'll be chastised for putting the lid on the wrong way round on their milk cups. Get better soooon! X

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  108. Thank you for publishing such an honest mummy blog, so nice o not be bombarded with "perfect parent" tosh! Remember your kids will remember the everyday, not the odd bad day here and there. Go easy on yourself X

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  109. Thank you so much for sharing your honest thoughts with us. I can't tell you how many times I've felt exactly like this and wondered whether I'd made a huge mistake, especially as we have no outside help from family. Just know you're far from alone in feeling this way. xx

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  110. This is really a wonderful post.

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  111. I genuinely feel like I'm failing because our 9 month old sleeps with us. We know it's not good and she needs her own space but we're all getting a good night's sleep! I need to stop putting sleep before my babys best interests!

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