Monday, 14 March 2016

The Secret Diary of an Eighteen Month Old

05:00
Started shouting at full volume to make sure everybody woke up startled. Dozed for a bit. Resumed shouting. Can't make out the exact conversation from Mummy and Daddy's room but it seems to be a disagreement over who should get up. Why wouldn't you want to get up? Who wants to lie in bed when you're awake?! Adults are weird.

06.30
Got carried downstairs. Mummy always smiles at me, kisses me then tells me I stink. Every day. Yes I do have a 'stinky bum bum.' It's hardly a surprise, is it?! She then changed my nappy before I was allowed my breakfast which made me cross because I spied my big brother tucking into his cereal. I kicked Mummy when I had poo on my foot and it left a stain on her trousers. Surprisingly, she said that this was 'just great.' Phew.

07.30
Daddy left wearing his smart trousers and shirt. Where does he go every day? 

08:30 
Tipped the toy basket over. Didn't fancy anything in there. Mummy tried to simulate car racing on the floor with tiny cars but she does it all wrong. Got cross at Mummy's toy car ineptitude.

09:30
Felt a bit bored, so I messed with the telly again by pressing all the buttons on the remote (major LOLs watching Mum trying to sort it out as she mutters that rhyme about the duck's cake).


11:00
Went to the park. I'm confused about what I am supposed to do here, because Mummy always tells us that it 'will be nice to run around!' but then seems agitated when we run around. She is particularly agitated when I run to the edge of the climbing frame where they have the pole from Fireman Sam, and keeps trying to move me back to the bit where there are railings on all sides. How boring is that? Eventually, after lots of sighing I'm removed from the climbing frame altogether and as she attempts to wrestle me into the pram I assume the stiff-as-a-floorboard position to illustrate my unhappiness with the situation. Sitting imprisoned in the pram isn't 'running around' is it? The protest did at least secure me some yoghurt raisins.

12.30
Ate my lunch really nicely. This lulled Mummy into a false sense of security about my independent feeding capabilities (groundwork for teatime, see 17:00)

13:30
Mummy picked me up and cuddled me on the sofa with my brother to read a story. They said I could 'join in' but then the pair of them got cross with me when I wanted to hold it and turn all the pages myself. Once again, I have no idea where I stand. Nobody understands me. I just want to turn all of the pages.

14:30
Started feeling a bit tired so cracked out the 'I'm tired' signals (pulled my ears, rubbed my eyes, did the glazed-over stare and the sucky-mouth thing like when I'm chewing Mummy Pig's foot). Became un-tired when Mummy put me in the cot. Did the sad moany noises so she felt guilty while she sorted out the washing. Turned up the volume to shouting after I heard her tell my brother that I would 'settle down in a minute.' We all went back downstairs again. Mummy doesn't know why she bloody bothers.

16:00
Went over to see what Mummy was doing on her computer. Pressed some buttons. This was not well received. She turned it off.

17:00
Stuck a whole hand in my spaghetti hoops. Lobbed the spoon. Cried because the spoon was on the floor and my hand was covered in hoops. When Daddy got home, Mummy was scrubbing spaghetti hoops off the skirting board. She told Daddy I had 'been like this all day.' Erm, that's not fair. She forgot to tell him about all the fun we'd had on the climbing frame and reading a book, for a start.

18:00
Received my daily telephathic notification from the Toddlers' Union that the Witching Hour had started. Treated everyone to a constant snotty whingey tone until Daddy said he 'couldn't bear it' and put me in my PJs.

19:30
Made sure I fell asleep in my best angelic pose - one hand up by my cheek and a slight smile seems to be a winner. Pretty sure I heard them both whisper, 'Love you sweet pea' so it definitely did the trick. Will commence the shit storm at dawn.



53 comments:

  1. this is absolutely hilarious! Children are so misunderstood! x

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    1. I agree they really are, however I would love to know what compels a three year olds incredible urge that he simply has to fire huge lumps of mashed potato at his brother during dinner, which was my experience today. The only explanation given being "he likes it". Ah to be a toddler and care free again

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    2. Haha, my 3 year old says "he likes it" to every mischevious thing he does to our 11 month old, the giggling that come out of our 11 month old, can only confirm this :)

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  2. Brilliant! I could read this all day! As a mum to 3 i can totally empathise! Look forward to the book xx

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  3. Haha this sounds just like a day in my 18 month old's life!

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  4. Had me in absolute hysterics!!! Thank you!!!!

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  5. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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  6. Brilliant ........ just brilliant!! So true too! Xx

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  7. Hahaha! Sounds about right for all little people πŸ˜‚
    Love reading your blog, makes me feel like a normal person again xoxo

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  8. All true. And it doesn't make it any less infuriating knowing it.

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  9. This is my daughter today! She has a bit of a cold so has decided that this is grounds for her to behave like she is possessed. The only quiet we have had so far is when shes stuffing her face with food she has already rubbed into the carpet :$

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  10. This is basically my 14 month old daughter today! She has a bit of a cold so has decided that this is grounds for her to act like she is possessed! The only time she has been quiet is when she is stuffing her face with food that she has already rubbed into the carpet :|

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  11. The duck's cake.....I snorted my tea at that point.

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  12. Very similar to my 17 month old, glad to see we're all having fun :)

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  13. Yep! Totally, especially the part about reading with an older sibling. So relaxing for all involved!

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  14. Absolutely brilliant!! Down to a t!!! Good to know it's not just my day that goes like this!

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  15. You've opened up a whole avenue to explore there in the daily comings and goings at the Toddlers Union.

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  16. Well I totally lol-ed at this!

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  17. The toddler union, I think our two are fully paid members.

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  18. Mines only 14 months and this is almost an exact replica of yesterday. Only we tried jumping off the back of the sofa and flung spaghetti bolognaise at the cat. Love this blog so much.

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  19. Fantastic, so hilarious. The blog is awesome, my son is 6 years old now so well out of the baby and toddler years but now i'm faced with new struggles. Just how long does it take to get ready for school in the morning and if i have to yell 'get a move on!' one more time... There are also playdates that are no easier because Kyle wants to play cowboys and he wants to play policeman and it is his house so they're going to play policemem! Cue a frustrated Kyle 'i want to go home i don't like Jack any more!' the biggest one telling him yo tidy his room for the sixth time and after hearing 'okay mum' you go back 10 minutes later and he's sitting in the heap of mess building Lego. Grrr!

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  20. My mummy has gone to the big potty with roo and left me with the iPad, after talking to Siri and getting frustrated that he didnt understand my requests, I've taken to Facebook and found your link. OMG! This is so my life! I have smeared the screen in Sudocrem to show my appreciation!

    Nerg
    X

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  21. Amazed that the sleep would then go until dawn....

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  22. This is brilliant.. I know the 5am starts too well!!

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  23. Super post. So true all of it!

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  24. Fab post - had me snort like Peppa Pig, out loud - my colleagues must think I'm deranged !!

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  25. My 'toddler' is 24 today - it does get easier!

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  26. This made me giggle .
    I could write very similar but from the POV of a two year old. Today sadly we both have stomach bugs, I will see the funny side of it and even possibly blog about it, perhaps in a week or so once I've got over listening to my daughter throw up in our bed as I'm stuck to the toilet doing exactly the same helpless. My husband was downstairs ... Cleaning sick. It's like hell on earth but there will be some humour to it one day, somehow.

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  27. Fabulous piece of writing. Love the child's POV.

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  28. 'Ducks cake'...awesome.

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  29. πŸ‘ Love this! My boy is just 3 weeks old so I've got all this to look forward to! Keep writing - I love reading your postsπŸ˜€

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  30. haha love this! My 13 month old does the exact same at teatime and the stiff as a board pram routine, and the naps. oh god. what i would give for him to have a nap in his cot just once. he goes days without napping. luckily today he decided to nap this afternoon, woke up very grumpy though.

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  31. Just finished your book - my god it had me in stitches crying hysterically with laughter and wheeping hysterically with such emotion! I am now passing it on to my friend to read - she can't wait! Honestly I can't tell you enough how it's made me feel sooooo normal to be on highs and lows ever day! I literally love you xxxx

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  32. Book details please! Love this blog, restores my sanity every time. Thank you unmumsy.

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  33. I loved reading this, absolutely hilarious. By the way, really love your book. It's great

    Jaz xx

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  34. Thank you this has saved me today!

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  35. I look after my 19 month old grandson and he has days just like this I had quite forgotten how
    frustrating days could be. Great blog

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  36. Brilliant-that angelic pose gets me every time too-going to the park always seems like such a good idea in theory!

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  37. Oh it's a telepathy thing? Got it! :-) Great post!

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  38. Hahaha! Woke my baby son up laughing as I sat feeding him & reading but so worth it! Just what I needed - had the 'shit storm at dawn' for the past week, chattering/ blowing raspberries / farting. Nice.

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  39. Hahaha! Woke my baby son up laughing as I sat feeding him & reading but so worth it! Just what I needed - had the 'shit storm at dawn' for the past week, chattering/ blowing raspberries / farting. Nice.

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  40. Love the telepathic message from the Toddler's Union.

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  41. This is so perfectly accurate, I always wonder what in the world is going on in my toddlers mind.

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  42. This had me in tears - in such a good way.
    So happy / relieved to hear me and my boy are normal... I thought it was just me!!

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  43. Fantastically funny post. Toddlers' Union must be united with all the other ones including Tweens Union, I swear they're on a different frequency to us. Jo

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  44. This is hilarious! For the diary of my thirteen month old I would just add "I spill all of the fantastic organic formula, that mom keeps buying me on myorganicformula.com and daddy keeps talking to me that this is not okay, as he is the one who brings home the money for buying this stuff. I don't know what money is." I don't know what the heck is wrong with him, because he really loves this formula, but obviously he also loves to play and drinking and playing at the same time ends up to be a bit annoying for the parents...

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  45. You just made my day so much more bearable ... thank you x

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  46. This is so hilariously funny! Creates a whole new perspective!!

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